TEENA'S GISTS

They met at a bar Him a fine, reserved  young man Her a bubbly young woman Once she set her eyes on him She knew she wanted him So she went and she sat and they talked About life, love, family,  work, About  Everything They talked their souls away Late into the night It felt like they were old friends They bonded And when they raised their heads It was midnight And they were alone 'Let's go to your place' she suggested She could not bear to spend a second without him "Oh No! " Yours will be fine They left in the darkness of the night The security man opened the gate 'Welcome Aunty' He said "Thank you" She opened the door to her house and they walked in, He gazed into her eyes Her feet were unsteady She closed her eyes and waited And come did he The taste of his lips was a mixture of orange juice and alcohol and cream It drove her mad Carefully he kissed her And when his hands went to t

I write this with my face covered. Please don't laugh at me. Remember Lagos Na Wa Episode 1 where I shared the tale of how I almost was taken to  Seme border?  If you didn't read it, go through my wall. It is some where there. So after the Lagos tour,  my rectum was dilated and ready to spill meaning I was pressed. I wanted to poop. Jesu! The urge was so strong and as soon as the bus entered the Island,  it intensified. I carried my bum bum with the poo ready to drop and sat in the bus. I got to Elegushi  bus stop,  alighted. A man I asked for directions to pointed at ahead of him and said that was the gate of the  Estate I was looking for. I ignored the Okada men at the bus stop and started trekking because I was scared of what the speed and bumps would do. That turned out to be a bad decision. Left,  right,  right and left. No gate insight. I convinced myself that I could do it. God knows I couldn't. My ancestors were just laughing at me. I saw a church.

Written on August 15th at 10:42am Happening now I'm on my way to the office The office driver just pointed out something to us Along Lekki - Epe express way,  there is a body cut in two on the road. I can't detect where it is a man or a woman Half of the body; from the waist down is lying on the road. We cannot see the other half It wasn't there when we drove past last night The accident must have happened in the middle of the night or early this morning Or could it be the handwork of ritualist and kidnappers? Could they have dragged it out to the road themselves? The Road Safety men are directing commuters so they don't run over the body I'm scared now #LagosNaWa #JayTeeSays

In this Lagos,  you can clean up properly but eventually show up at your destination looking like a pig. The other day,  I had a clean bath,  sprayed some good body spray, wore fine make up,  in fact I took extra care to look good before going out.  I wore a white chiffon cropped top on a tight fitting sky blue skinny jeans. I planned to pepper those Lagos girls who think bum bum is their birth right. They have to confirm that Igbo girls got stuff too. Yea? In this Lagos, for most people one bus cannot take you to your destination,  you have to take at least two. That day I had to take three. The first bus I entered had many ladies so no one seemed to notice my extra fineness. It rained cat and dogs but I was in luck because the rain started and stopped before it was time for me to alight. To get to the bus stop for bus number 2, I had to cross to the other side of the road. Those who have seen me walk know I have a signature cat walk gait. I put in extra effort to ensu

I met Fifi at a writing job last week. She is one of those Covenant 'my daddy said' girls which is expected given that Fifi is a teenager. Yes..just like I am a teenager. Fifi punctuates most of her sentences with 'yea'.  "These dresses are pretty,  yea" or "Aunty is coming over, yea". It wasn't long before I caught the 'iyeyeyea' fever so next time you see me,  expect my new punctuations, yea? Three nights ago,  Fifi and I boarded the same taxi. While the car moved,  she hit me with gist upon gist. Phoneh (short for phonetics) was just flying everywhere from her mouth. Kai! The girl speaks well. Her ability to speak makes mockery of my teenage years. No doubt,  I used to try small back then but this girl is something else. I had to up my phoneh game because as the only true aspiring female wobelite,   I always have to represent. See me supri-ing supri -ing along. The Taxi driver had been quiet on the journey except at the b

Saturday morning I left the house as early as 8:40am to meet up with an 11am appointment  at Lekki; Elegushi precisely. A friend gave me directions on how to get there. I had to take a bus from Iyana Oba to CMS and  from CMS (pronounced see-eh-mes)  to Ajah. I got to Iyana Oba  by 9:50am because traffic. At the bus park,  I met a conductor and asked him to show me a bus going my way. The conductor held my hand and took me to a bus. Told the driver,  see passenger. I told the driver, 'Driver CMS oo'.  He replied 'yes, enter and continued loading. Five minutes later,  he was done loading and asked the passengers to pay. We did. The bus fare was 500 Naira.  Yes 500 Naira. I was sad that he took so much for a drop  within Lagos. My friend who directed me mentioned that my transport would cost about 900 naira. I can't remember now whether she meant that 900 Naira was for the entire journey or just for 'going'. The journey was supposed to last for  abou