TEENA'S GISTS

In this Lagos,  you can clean up properly but eventually show up at your destination looking like a pig. The other day,  I had a clean bath,  sprayed some good body spray, wore fine make up,  in fact I took extra care to look good before going out.  I wore a white chiffon cropped top on a tight fitting sky blue skinny jeans. I planned to pepper those Lagos girls who think bum bum is their birth right. They have to confirm that Igbo girls got stuff too. Yea? In this Lagos, for most people one bus cannot take you to your destination,  you have to take at least two. That day I had to take three. The first bus I entered had many ladies so no one seemed to notice my extra fineness. It rained cat and dogs but I was in luck because the rain started and stopped before it was time for me to alight. To get to the bus stop for bus number 2, I had to cross to the other side of the road. Those who have seen me walk know I have a signature cat walk gait. ...

I met Fifi at a writing job last week. She is one of those Covenant 'my daddy said' girls which is expected given that Fifi is a teenager. Yes..just like I am a teenager. Fifi punctuates most of her sentences with 'yea'.  "These dresses are pretty,  yea" or "Aunty is coming over, yea". It wasn't long before I caught the 'iyeyeyea' fever so next time you see me,  expect my new punctuations, yea? Three nights ago,  Fifi and I boarded the same taxi. While the car moved,  she hit me with gist upon gist. Phoneh (short for phonetics) was just flying everywhere from her mouth. Kai! The girl speaks well. Her ability to speak makes mockery of my teenage years. No doubt,  I used to try small back then but this girl is something else. I had to up my phoneh game because as the only true aspiring female wobelite,   I always have to represent. See me supri-ing supri -ing along. The Taxi driver had been quiet on the journey except at the b...

Saturday morning I left the house as early as 8:40am to meet up with an 11am appointment  at Lekki; Elegushi precisely. A friend gave me directions on how to get there. I had to take a bus from Iyana Oba to CMS and  from CMS (pronounced see-eh-mes)  to Ajah. I got to Iyana Oba  by 9:50am because traffic. At the bus park,  I met a conductor and asked him to show me a bus going my way. The conductor held my hand and took me to a bus. Told the driver,  see passenger. I told the driver, 'Driver CMS oo'.  He replied 'yes, enter and continued loading. Five minutes later,  he was done loading and asked the passengers to pay. We did. The bus fare was 500 Naira.  Yes 500 Naira. I was sad that he took so much for a drop  within Lagos. My friend who directed me mentioned that my transport would cost about 900 naira. I can't remember now whether she meant that 900 Naira was for the entire journey or just for 'going'. The journey was s...