TEENA'S GISTS

In this Lagos,  you can clean up properly but eventually show up at your destination looking like a pig. The other day,  I had a clean bath,  sprayed some good body spray, wore fine make up,  in fact I took extra care to look good before going out.  I wore a white chiffon cropped top on a tight fitting sky blue skinny jeans. I planned to pepper those Lagos girls who think bum bum is their birth right. They have to confirm that Igbo girls got stuff too. Yea? In this Lagos, for most people one bus cannot take you to your destination,  you have to take at least two. That day I had to take three. The first bus I entered had many ladies so no one seemed to notice my extra fineness. It rained cat and dogs but I was in luck because the rain started and stopped before it was time for me to alight. To get to the bus stop for bus number 2, I had to cross to the other side of the road. Those who have seen me walk know I have a signature cat walk gait. ...

I met Fifi at a writing job last week. She is one of those Covenant 'my daddy said' girls which is expected given that Fifi is a teenager. Yes..just like I am a teenager. Fifi punctuates most of her sentences with 'yea'.  "These dresses are pretty,  yea" or "Aunty is coming over, yea". It wasn't long before I caught the 'iyeyeyea' fever so next time you see me,  expect my new punctuations, yea? Three nights ago,  Fifi and I boarded the same taxi. While the car moved,  she hit me with gist upon gist. Phoneh (short for phonetics) was just flying everywhere from her mouth. Kai! The girl speaks well. Her ability to speak makes mockery of my teenage years. No doubt,  I used to try small back then but this girl is something else. I had to up my phoneh game because as the only true aspiring female wobelite,   I always have to represent. See me supri-ing supri -ing along. The Taxi driver had been quiet on the journey except at the b...

Saturday morning I left the house as early as 8:40am to meet up with an 11am appointment  at Lekki; Elegushi precisely. A friend gave me directions on how to get there. I had to take a bus from Iyana Oba to CMS and  from CMS (pronounced see-eh-mes)  to Ajah. I got to Iyana Oba  by 9:50am because traffic. At the bus park,  I met a conductor and asked him to show me a bus going my way. The conductor held my hand and took me to a bus. Told the driver,  see passenger. I told the driver, 'Driver CMS oo'.  He replied 'yes, enter and continued loading. Five minutes later,  he was done loading and asked the passengers to pay. We did. The bus fare was 500 Naira.  Yes 500 Naira. I was sad that he took so much for a drop  within Lagos. My friend who directed me mentioned that my transport would cost about 900 naira. I can't remember now whether she meant that 900 Naira was for the entire journey or just for 'going'. The journey was s...

Part 1 Dear Society, When you want to correct a female going wrong, especially a child,  do not remind her that she is a girl. Do not tell her to stop because she is a girl. Tell her to stop and change because her actions are wrong. When she wears a skirt and sits with her legs wide open,  tell her to close them because it is wrong to sit with your undies exposed. When she talks arrogantly,  correct her because it is wrong to speak that way. Don't tell her to be polite because girls should be. Sensible humans are polite. Politeness is not gender specific. When she dresses indecently,  correct the wrongness of the dressing. Don't make it about her gender. Decency doesn't apply to one gender. When she is unable to cook at 18, remind her that it is only reasonable for an adult to be capable of making food for his/her survival. No gender needs the skill more. When she rides her car in a rough manner,  remind her that wrong driving has sent many to their...

I just got off the phone with a long time friend. Before now, the last time we spoke was about two years ago. I happened to stumble on his contact on whatsapp so I chatted him up. I asked him how he was preparing to graduate. He said he stopped attending school nearly two years ago. He left in his 3rd year at the University. His reasons for stopping are what made me make this post. He got tired of attending classes, writing assignments. He got tired of the school environment so he left to sit down and figure out his life. At first, I sympathised with him. Then I lost my cool. I told him he was very foolish. This young man was doing well as far as I knew then. How can a fully grown man drop out of the university for flimsy reasons; the university that people beg to grant them admission into? The university that people write JAMB four - five times just to enter. The university that made a young man commit suicide last month because all his friends were in but he wasn't.  You ...

I posted this on facebook  This a them say them say story A friend told me this about her friend, Mary (not real name) who is also her flatmate. Mary works at a firm. Her closest colleague is Fred. Fred is married to a young graduate who is not yet employed. They have a six month old son. Their nature of their job ensures they travel to neighbouring states. Because Mary and Fred stay in the same office at work and travel together a lot, they became good friends. Mary is a beautiful 26 year old single lady. The friendship with Fred is such that whenever he hangs out with his colleagues at work, Mary comes along not as his partner, but as a colleague. Fred has never visited Mary in her apartment but on two occasions, Mary has visited Fred's family.  He introduced her as his colleague and good friend from work. The wife was comfortable with the friendship but recently she began to express so much concern over it. She got my friend's contact and began to plead wit...

My hosts at my exam town are very nice people. They feed me well. This morning , the beautiful wife makes fried potatoes and sauce. Delicious meal. I can't eat all of it because its still early so I eat little and pack the rest into a small nylon bag so I can eat it much later. I'm on my way home from my exam town. We stop at Minna so we can transfer to a bus going to Abuja. At Minna, I am pressed.  I ask for a place to urinate and a loader directs me to one. I can't discard the tissue I used because there is no waste bin so I wrap it in a bigger tissue and put it into my handbag. A small hausa boy is beside the car. He is seven, I think. He asks for alms. I bring out the rest of the fried potatoes and start to eat. He watches me eat. I plan to give him 10naira or 20naira after eating. The food is finished. I put the wrapped used tissue into the now empty nylon bag and throw all beside the vehicle. When I discard the nylon bag, the small boy picks it up and...