TEENA'S GISTS

The issue is not that the prices of items in the market have gone up. The size of those items went down alongside.  The smallest size of Indomie noodles is retailed at 120 naira, against 60 naira from last year, but it comes out from fire looking like one and half pack.  If you live on Lagos Island or environs, you’ll be able to relate with the size of sachet water around here. It has always been small but in the last 6 months since a bag became 200-250 naira, the sachets grew smaller.  Are these manufacturers playing or what? If you want to increase your price, for goodness sakes, leave the size of item alone. I think they are just greed:y people who know that they can get away with whatsoever as long as they are in Nigeria.  We need to start boycotting all the companies doing this bull$hit. #JayTeeSays

They met at a bar Him a fine, reserved  young man Her a bubbly young woman Once she set her eyes on him She knew she wanted him So she went and she sat and they talked About life, love, family,  work, About  Everything They talked their souls away Late into the night It felt like they were old friends They bonded And when they raised their heads It was midnight And they were alone 'Let's go to your place' she suggested She could not bear to spend a second without him "Oh No! " Yours will be fine They left in the darkness of the night The security man opened the gate 'Welcome Aunty' He said "Thank you" She opened the door to her house and they walked in, He gazed into her eyes Her feet were unsteady She closed her eyes and waited And come did he The taste of his lips was a mixture of orange juice and alcohol and cream It drove her mad Carefully he kissed her And when his hands went to t...

I write this with my face covered. Please don't laugh at me. Remember Lagos Na Wa Episode 1 where I shared the tale of how I almost was taken to  Seme border?  If you didn't read it, go through my wall. It is some where there. So after the Lagos tour,  my rectum was dilated and ready to spill meaning I was pressed. I wanted to poop. Jesu! The urge was so strong and as soon as the bus entered the Island,  it intensified. I carried my bum bum with the poo ready to drop and sat in the bus. I got to Elegushi  bus stop,  alighted. A man I asked for directions to pointed at ahead of him and said that was the gate of the  Estate I was looking for. I ignored the Okada men at the bus stop and started trekking because I was scared of what the speed and bumps would do. That turned out to be a bad decision. Left,  right,  right and left. No gate insight. I convinced myself that I could do it. God knows I couldn't. My ancestors were just la...

Written on August 15th at 10:42am Happening now I'm on my way to the office The office driver just pointed out something to us Along Lekki - Epe express way,  there is a body cut in two on the road. I can't detect where it is a man or a woman Half of the body; from the waist down is lying on the road. We cannot see the other half It wasn't there when we drove past last night The accident must have happened in the middle of the night or early this morning Or could it be the handwork of ritualist and kidnappers? Could they have dragged it out to the road themselves? The Road Safety men are directing commuters so they don't run over the body I'm scared now #LagosNaWa #JayTeeSays

In this Lagos,  you can clean up properly but eventually show up at your destination looking like a pig. The other day,  I had a clean bath,  sprayed some good body spray, wore fine make up,  in fact I took extra care to look good before going out.  I wore a white chiffon cropped top on a tight fitting sky blue skinny jeans. I planned to pepper those Lagos girls who think bum bum is their birth right. They have to confirm that Igbo girls got stuff too. Yea? In this Lagos, for most people one bus cannot take you to your destination,  you have to take at least two. That day I had to take three. The first bus I entered had many ladies so no one seemed to notice my extra fineness. It rained cat and dogs but I was in luck because the rain started and stopped before it was time for me to alight. To get to the bus stop for bus number 2, I had to cross to the other side of the road. Those who have seen me walk know I have a signature cat walk gait. ...

I met Fifi at a writing job last week. She is one of those Covenant 'my daddy said' girls which is expected given that Fifi is a teenager. Yes..just like I am a teenager. Fifi punctuates most of her sentences with 'yea'.  "These dresses are pretty,  yea" or "Aunty is coming over, yea". It wasn't long before I caught the 'iyeyeyea' fever so next time you see me,  expect my new punctuations, yea? Three nights ago,  Fifi and I boarded the same taxi. While the car moved,  she hit me with gist upon gist. Phoneh (short for phonetics) was just flying everywhere from her mouth. Kai! The girl speaks well. Her ability to speak makes mockery of my teenage years. No doubt,  I used to try small back then but this girl is something else. I had to up my phoneh game because as the only true aspiring female wobelite,   I always have to represent. See me supri-ing supri -ing along. The Taxi driver had been quiet on the journey except at the b...

Saturday morning I left the house as early as 8:40am to meet up with an 11am appointment  at Lekki; Elegushi precisely. A friend gave me directions on how to get there. I had to take a bus from Iyana Oba to CMS and  from CMS (pronounced see-eh-mes)  to Ajah. I got to Iyana Oba  by 9:50am because traffic. At the bus park,  I met a conductor and asked him to show me a bus going my way. The conductor held my hand and took me to a bus. Told the driver,  see passenger. I told the driver, 'Driver CMS oo'.  He replied 'yes, enter and continued loading. Five minutes later,  he was done loading and asked the passengers to pay. We did. The bus fare was 500 Naira.  Yes 500 Naira. I was sad that he took so much for a drop  within Lagos. My friend who directed me mentioned that my transport would cost about 900 naira. I can't remember now whether she meant that 900 Naira was for the entire journey or just for 'going'. The journey was s...

Part 1 Dear Society, When you want to correct a female going wrong, especially a child,  do not remind her that she is a girl. Do not tell her to stop because she is a girl. Tell her to stop and change because her actions are wrong. When she wears a skirt and sits with her legs wide open,  tell her to close them because it is wrong to sit with your undies exposed. When she talks arrogantly,  correct her because it is wrong to speak that way. Don't tell her to be polite because girls should be. Sensible humans are polite. Politeness is not gender specific. When she dresses indecently,  correct the wrongness of the dressing. Don't make it about her gender. Decency doesn't apply to one gender. When she is unable to cook at 18, remind her that it is only reasonable for an adult to be capable of making food for his/her survival. No gender needs the skill more. When she rides her car in a rough manner,  remind her that wrong driving has sent many to their...

I just got off the phone with a long time friend. Before now, the last time we spoke was about two years ago. I happened to stumble on his contact on whatsapp so I chatted him up. I asked him how he was preparing to graduate. He said he stopped attending school nearly two years ago. He left in his 3rd year at the University. His reasons for stopping are what made me make this post. He got tired of attending classes, writing assignments. He got tired of the school environment so he left to sit down and figure out his life. At first, I sympathised with him. Then I lost my cool. I told him he was very foolish. This young man was doing well as far as I knew then. How can a fully grown man drop out of the university for flimsy reasons; the university that people beg to grant them admission into? The university that people write JAMB four - five times just to enter. The university that made a young man commit suicide last month because all his friends were in but he wasn't.  You ...

I posted this on facebook  This a them say them say story A friend told me this about her friend, Mary (not real name) who is also her flatmate. Mary works at a firm. Her closest colleague is Fred. Fred is married to a young graduate who is not yet employed. They have a six month old son. Their nature of their job ensures they travel to neighbouring states. Because Mary and Fred stay in the same office at work and travel together a lot, they became good friends. Mary is a beautiful 26 year old single lady. The friendship with Fred is such that whenever he hangs out with his colleagues at work, Mary comes along not as his partner, but as a colleague. Fred has never visited Mary in her apartment but on two occasions, Mary has visited Fred's family.  He introduced her as his colleague and good friend from work. The wife was comfortable with the friendship but recently she began to express so much concern over it. She got my friend's contact and began to plead wit...

My hosts at my exam town are very nice people. They feed me well. This morning , the beautiful wife makes fried potatoes and sauce. Delicious meal. I can't eat all of it because its still early so I eat little and pack the rest into a small nylon bag so I can eat it much later. I'm on my way home from my exam town. We stop at Minna so we can transfer to a bus going to Abuja. At Minna, I am pressed.  I ask for a place to urinate and a loader directs me to one. I can't discard the tissue I used because there is no waste bin so I wrap it in a bigger tissue and put it into my handbag. A small hausa boy is beside the car. He is seven, I think. He asks for alms. I bring out the rest of the fried potatoes and start to eat. He watches me eat. I plan to give him 10naira or 20naira after eating. The food is finished. I put the wrapped used tissue into the now empty nylon bag and throw all beside the vehicle. When I discard the nylon bag, the small boy picks it up and...

Its not that I do not understand why my people want Biafra. Its not that I do not think it is a noble cause. Its just that whenever I remember the stories my father told me about the war, the stories older people who witnessed the war shared, whenever I remember my uncle whose legs will never be useful again because of a bullet wound, whenever I remember the other uncle that never returned, whenever I remember the events Late Prof. Festus Iyare pened down in 'Heroes', whenever I read 'There was a country, I ask myself, "Is this an achievable cause?" See, most of the people screaming yes to Biafra are only social media warriors. In real life, they cannot put up a good argument for the movement. Ya'all watch too much of Bollywood romance. You should watch documentary films and see what a real war looks like. Do you think if a war breaks out in this country, Nnamdi will carry weapons and march in front to fight? You lie! He will fly his precious family to ...

So I remembered this experience I had and decided to share. I used to have this friend. Let's call her Rita. Both of us had serious interest in writing and were working hard to develop. I was developing faster than she was even though she was studying English Language while I was studying Medical Lab Science. One Friday afternoon, Rita sent an article to my email inbox and asked me to edit it for her. I gladly did. She thanked me heartily. Two weeks later, she sent me a topic and asked me to help her write a five full scap sheet long article for her on that topic. The topic had something to do with Agricultural Reforms. I wondered why an English student would be writing that. Rita said it belonged to her roommate, Odinaka who suddenly took ill and begged that I helped her, as she (Rita) didn't know much about Agriculture. I spent two nights working on that article; burning data, time and fighting sleep. On three more occasions, She gave me articles to help her work on...

So this morning I woke up and noticed my clothes were soaked. From my stomach up to my entire shorts looked like they had been aggressively immersed in a liquid that could only be urine. I took a glance to my left and right. No one! My vision was still blurry from sleep! screamed! My villagers have finally gotten me. I now bed wet. Then, I also noticed the back of my shorts were dry. Carton dry. A second and clearer glance to my left revealed  my brother's 11year old help, Chi was lying beside me. She was soaked and dripping. Dripping piss. Hey God! How did I let this happen? My sister- in-law had warned me against letting her lie with me on the bed. My brother had added that she urinated in a zigzag manner and could fill up a tank with urine in less than two minutes while she sleeps. Wahdahfuq! Last night, while going through my explore page on Instagram, I stumbled on some pictures of Marvis,  the former BBN housemate. See, Chi loved Marvis so much from BBN. Yes, my...

They say "Tolerate kleptomaniacs, Mentally deranged people, rapists, people practicing bestiality, drug addicts, people reproducing carelessly,  people with murderous tendencies, tolerate this, tolerate  that.. Tolerate Everything and Everyone!  Tolerate them since it doesn't affect you". What will become of this world If we tolerated every wrong because we aren't directly affected? What will the younger ones learn? Who will teach them good and caution them against evil? Who will ensure that the young ones inculcate good morals. Who will train them? "Everyone is entitled to his/her own choice(s)" , they say.  Does that mean I can freely choose to murder the man next to you while you tolerate and understand because murderers have the right to make choices and their choices should be tolerated and respected? Many are only supporters of false movements when they are on their keyboard. In real life, they will go hard on for harboring such ideolo...

Water is a vital need for every human being. A healthy sedentary adult living in a temperate climate should drink at least 1.5 liters of water per day. Nigeria has a tropical climate hence more water should be taken by inhabitants. Water taken in, balances water lost through urination, perspiration, exhalation and bowel movement and helps keep the body properly hydrated. Water consumed through food and drinks follows a very precise route to arrive in your cells. Water is very important component of plasma. It makes up more than 90% of plasma. The main functions of water in the body Cell life Water is essential for cells to function properly: it enters into the composition of the cells. Chemical and metabolic reactions By enabling hydrolysis reactions, water participates in the biochemical breakdown of what we eat (proteins, lipids and carbohydrates). Transport of nutrients Water as a main constituent of blood contributes to the transport of nutrients to the cells. In de...

Wizkid is arguably the biggest music act in Africa currently. The young musician also known as Star boy succesfully broke into the International scene in 2015 following his being featured in the Grammy nominated 'One Dance' by Drake. This ofcourse, is a great and enviable feat. But as Wizkid conquers grounds on the International scene, it appears he is gradually losing his relevance in the Nigerian music scene where he started his music journey from. His style of music is fast changing to a brand Nigerians can hardly relate with unlike the sound for which he got popular; songs like Jaiye Jaiye, Ojuelegba, Baba nla and so on.  Rumour has it that Wizkid has not been billed to perform at any show since the start of 2017. Doesn't that go to say our Star boy is gradually fading away? Also, none of his recent singles can be labelled as hits. Meanwhile, the likes of Davido, Runtown, Teknk, Phyno, Olamide have continuously dished out hit songs while maintaining their b...

LONG POST ALERT: Note: This is Fiction I had this friend. I liked our friendship alot and wanted us to stay good friends but he had something else in mind or maybe he didn't. I hate to judge. He liked me. He actually did but he wanted to play around for a while, to place me in his side chic zone. See, he had this lady in his life. A great lady. They have always been together. He loved her. She loved him. I loved them. Together. But he had a weakness; he couldn't resist women, beautiful ones. Beautiful women reduced him to whatever they wanted. He was weak down there. Very weak. He never stated his intentions but his actions laid his Intentions on the table for me. He was willing to pay a price if I could fulfil the duties of a side chic. He created the side chic zone and I had the choice of walking in; of joining so many other ladies he had kept in that zone. He was generous. He could keep them all. I was two steps into the zone, then three when my eyes were opened....

"God will punish them. Each and everyone one of them will die. Their generations will know no peace. If I get a gun enh, I will shoot them. One by one... Evil men..." Madam Calista cursed.  Kennedy sat beside her, shaking his head but saying nothing. "Do you know that they used an iron rod to break the Electrician's door and took everything in his house? Every single thing? I heard they raped his15year old daughter. Demons! If I catch any of them enhh, I will cut their fingers and toes one after the other". She went on. There had been an armed robbery in the Estate the night before. Many families lost precious possessions to the masked hoodlums. Madam Calista stood up and went to join the large crowd gathered in front of the Catholic church. The topic of discussion was the robbery. Most people were talking in hushed tones. Everybody seemed afraid of everybody. The armed robbers could be loitering around. She moved closer to Oga Eloka, the taxi driver. ...

Wednesday morning I wake up to see my battery at 10%. It didn't charge all night. I try to connect the charger again. Nothing! I use my roommate's charger. Nothing still! I'm sad. The charging port issue is back. Extra money and stress. "Immunology class holds by 10am" Johnson posts on whatsapp. The lecture is as boring as ever. I yawn over 10 times. I go to the ATM at the bus stop to withdraw. When it gets to my turn, the machine stops dispensing cash. I'm having a bad day. 2pm I pass through ogbete main market on my way to repair my phone. "Buy orange..Buy orange", a little girl calls. She should be between 10-12years of age her voice is so tiny, yet so sharp.. It pierces through my ears. I turn around. She's wearing a royal blue dress (My favorite color). She's bent over peeling some more oranges. "My dear, how much are your oranges?" "4 for fifty naira but I'll give you five because I like you...